


it became a pastime

by adarna



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Cheating, M/M, boyf riends - Freeform, expensive headphones, just exercising my writing, this is just a quick oneshot, two player SHAME
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-21
Updated: 2018-06-21
Packaged: 2019-05-26 09:01:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14997422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adarna/pseuds/adarna
Summary: God knew how many times he had pushed an attempt to break off the obscene and degrading position they have both consented to. But the more he quarreled with his actual partner, the more he found himself wandering back into the warm familiar sheets of his shame.





	it became a pastime

**Author's Note:**

> This was requested a long time ago so I'm sorry for the delay! I deleted my fic requests work because I realized there are certain ships that I just can't write well, damn.
> 
> Also, writing this work does not mean I condone cheating. I am also not romanticizing it.

He only realized that the crack of dawn had seeped through the gaps of the deep blue curtains when the intense sting of shame hit him. To say that he had barely gotten a wink of sleep would have been an understatement. Every brush, kiss, and bite granted so lovingly yet impatiently onto his dark skin mere hours ago by the dozing man beside him remained cemented into the farthest and darkest nook of his mind.

He tore his eyes away from the faint shreds of light peeking into the dark room which he had grown accustomed to with each nightly visit, and directed his attention to the mess of blond hair belonging to the other occupant of the bed. He wished he could smile at the sight bestowed beside him but that would have been imprudently naive and deceiving-- not only to his companion-- but to himself as well.

Michael didn't love this man. But he truly did desire him enough to commit to the unthinkable.

God knew how many times he had pushed an attempt to break off the obscene and degrading position they have both consented to. But the more he quarreled with his actual partner, the more he found himself wandering back into the warm familiar sheets of his shame.  

The guilt sat hot and raw in his chest.

What was Jeremy doing during the time he had gone to Rich’s place? Did he know that his own boyfriend abruptly left in the middle of their argument just to hide in someone else’s arms? Did he ever notice the unfamiliar marks on Michael’s skin or did he just assume that he was the one who had given him those during the last time they got intimate?

When _was_ the last time they got intimate?

Michael couldn’t even remember anymore. It could have been months, maybe. They never tried. They gave up trying at this point. And he knew for a fact that he had no one else to blame but himself.

Paranoia had always been his worst enemy.

The thought of Jeremy realizing that men weren’t really his type and that he will eventually leave him to be with a woman struck terror into his very core. The guy was _still_ closeted, for fuck’s sake. While Michael had this affair to be ashamed of, Jeremy had _him_ as his own kind of guilty pleasure-- or at least that was how he perceived it.

But that wasn’t fair, was it?

Even within the depths of their secretly amorous relationship, Jeremy never failed to let Michael know how much he loved him. Those moments may have only been shared within the confines of their shared apartment and never outside of it, they were enough to reassure Michael their relationship was genuine.

Until recently.

It started with a certain private conversation that was only brought up by a mutual friend.

Michael was pleasantly surprised when he had bumped into Brooke Lohst at the cafe. From what he had gathered before their fated encounter, she had moved to New York due to her boyfriend’s well-deserved elevated status in the company he worked in.

 _“Jeremy and I went out for drinks the other day and when he told me that he’s not seeing anyone, I almost couldn’t believe him! Puberty did him good.”_ Brooke had said at the time with a glimmer of puppy love glowing in the turquoise pools of her eyes. Michael knew that look all too well. It was identical to the way she had looked at Dustin when they dated.

But now that Dustin was out of the picture, the petite blonde girl was back for good.

Michael didn’t mind having her comfortable presence within reach, but it was the fact that Jeremy never mentioned her that bothered him day by day.

Why? Why didn’t he bring her up? Why didn’t he tell him that they recently went out for drinks together? What was he hiding?

Jealousy and paranoia never mixed well together, but both elements have been churning and stirring in his stomach. He didn’t want to scare his boyfriend away with this unsightly combination, but it did bring out the worst in him.

Instead of communicating and unraveling the complex troubling knots tangled in their relationship, Michael had slammed a lid over his emotions until they bubbled and brimmed over his patience for the man he had loved since high school. It affected his once-carefree nature.

Every time he would see Jeremy on his phone, he would immediately ask him who he’s talking to. Every time Jeremy would leave for work, Michael would insist him to be home by a strictly specific hour. He had to know _every damn time_ who Jeremy was hanging out with and if his boyfriend would show even a trace of annoyance, things would get unbelievably hideous and messy between them starting from snapping at each other to slamming doors or storming out.

Michael had thought of ending things with him. That could have been a much easier path. He could find someone else who wouldn’t hide anything from him. A guy who wouldn’t be ashamed to show to the world that he’s his boyfriend.

But was he really worthy of that respect with the way he was treating the man he had claimed to love ‘till the end of time?

His blond companion stirred a bit in his sleep, turning over to the other side and unconsciously granting Michael the sight of his dozing face. As much as Michael didn’t want to, he could feel a nearly endeared smile cracking through his uneasiness. But it disappeared just as quickly as it had appeared and he looked away.

He should get out of here. It would be for the better. He had never allowed himself to still be around by the time the other guy would wake up and he didn’t plan on starting now.

As carefully as he could, he pulled the sheet off of himself and stepped down from the bed to pick up his clothes which were tossed and abandoned on the cold hard floor. He didn’t waste any more time in putting them on, mentally counting the seconds that passed by as he did so. He had left his phone back in the apartment so there was no way of telling how worried Jeremy probably was at this point.

“Michael…?” A voice caught his attention and put a stop to his actions just when he was in the middle of putting his shirt back on.

He didn’t say anything-- a scatter of possible responses clouding his mind but not a single one passing through his lips. He cleared his throat softly before finally pulling his shirt down and straightening it without looking back over his shoulder.

“What are you doing?”

“Uh…” Michael stalled as he looked for his shoes. “I have to go home.“

He heard him move on the bed but he still refused to look at the man he wasn’t even supposed to be with right now.

“What’s the hurry?”

“My boyf--” Michael hesitated, though he didn’t even know why he did when they were both completely aware of the reason as to why he was here in the first place. He shook his head and continued on anyway. “My boyfriend’s probably worried about me. I left my phone at our place.”

Rich was quiet for a while, but then he eventually came up with a short response.

“Really.”

The tone laced in the blond’s reaction was unreadable and unfamiliar. He couldn’t figure out if it was meant to be a question, a sound of disbelief, or an utter of inevitable defeat. Michael turned to look at him with a feeling in his chest so light that it scared him all too easily.

Rich was sitting up on the bed, phone in hand and a look of disinterest on his face. Seeing that there was barely a trace of sleep in his features indicated that he was probably awake longer than Michael had thought. Maybe he even woke up earlier than he did and was just waiting to see when he was going to get up and leave.

Michael didn’t want to understand why but something inside him deflated.

It wasn’t like he expected anything out of what they were doing. They’ve made it very clear to each other that they were just strictly fucking and it will never go beyond that. It only took a long rant about his restrained frustrations, some shots shared, and Rich taking his shirt off because _“it’s my place and I can walk around naked as the day as I was born if I want to.”_ for the two of them to concede to what became their evening routine of vulgar intimacy.

And god, was Rich good in bed.

Michael’s experience with him was nothing like his past sexual encounters with other men. Rich always knew what he was doing and as much as Michael hated seeing that smug grin on his face, he still somehow always found himself succumbing to his touches. Rich knew when to be gentle enough to tease and make him beg and he knew when to be rough and just absolutely animalistic when even he couldn’t hold himself back anymore. He was partly the reason why Michael couldn't even sleep with Jeremy without having his mind wander to the thought of him.

There was no doubt in mind that Michael found this 5’5 man unbearably annoying with his _I’m-the-hottest-one-in-the-room_ attitude and his unceasing aim to push his buttons by merely disagreeing with him every damn time. Whatever opinion Michael brought up, Rich always had a response ready to contradict him. And what made it worse was the fact that his point always made sense. Not that Michael’s didn’t though, but that was where they clashed.

Sometimes, Michael could tell that Rich simply wanted to tick him off just so he could let him fuck him hard against the nearest flat surface like there’s no tomorrow. It was the only way to get each other to shut the hell up after all.

Their bickerings were getting old, at least that’s what their friends said.

They were the most unlikely pair to ever be involved in a relationship such as the one they were in right now and that was why hiding it was way easier than Michael had thought.

Then he wondered if Rich would have still agreed to this if he had known that Jeremy was the boyfriend Michael had been telling him about this whole time.

He probably wouldn’t. Despite their differences in high school, Rich eventually grew a soft spot for Jeremy. He adored him. He even liked to joke about what Jeremy could possibly see in Michael and how he managed to tolerate him for this long, blind to how there was a fragment of truth to his humor.

After making sure he got his wallet and his keys in his pockets, Michael walked over to the door. But he just let his hand linger on the knob. He turned his head to the side to see that Rich hadn’t moved from his spot as though he was never there at all. Michael tried to read the look on his face but it was impossible. Since when was this guy suddenly so hard to read?

“I’m going now.” The words sounded foreign on his tongue. He didn’t know why he said that. He didn’t really have to say goodbye when heading out on the first crack of dawn was already part of their risky routine. It just made things even more uncomfortable between them, or was he the only one feeling this tensed?

Rich didn’t even look up from his phone. The burn scars on his bare chest were barely visible under the dim light of his screen.

“Lock the door on your way out.”

_That’s it?_

Michael didn’t know what kind of reaction he was anticipating but it certainly wasn’t that.

“I might not be able to come over all week.” He heard himself say and right at that moment, all he could think of was _shut up shut up shut up._ But the words continued to spill out of him against his better judgment. “It’s gonna be a really busy week.”

That caught Rich’s attention. He looked back at him but didn’t put his phone down. He didn’t even say anything. His silence just prompted Michael to talk more as much as he didn’t want to. He had this sudden want to convince him that he was speaking the truth.

“My boyfriend’s parents are… you know, coming over and they’ll be staying for the week.” He gestured his free hand vaguely in the air due to lack of anything better to do. “They’ll probably wonder why I’m out almost every night. I can’t raise any suspicions, you know?”

Rich was quiet for a while. Michael couldn’t tell if he bought his words-- which were true, by the way-- or not. But when the shorter male just looked back down at his phone, Michael realized that it didn’t matter whether he believed him or not when he clearly didn’t care enough about what he just said.

Rich just gave him a quick shrug. “Okay.”

His sudden lack of interest rubbed Michael the wrong way. He wasn’t acting _this_ detached last night.

" _Okay?_ ” Michael repeated, failing to hold back the laugh of disbelief in his response. “That’s it?”

Rich looked back at him, confused but also knowing at the same time. He looked like he knew something that Michael didn’t know and felt like he had power over him because of it. But he also looked like someone who didn’t like what he just found out.

“Why, do you need anything else?” Rich asked.

“No, I just--” Michael immediately pulled his words to a stop before he could say anything that could possibly be misinterpreted. What the hell was he even getting worked up for? This was good. Rich didn’t care and he didn’t either.

He shook his head and pulled the door open. “Never mind. I’m leaving.”

“Sure.” He heard Rich say. “Say hi to Mr. Heere and Karen for me.”

Michael paused.

Karen was Jeremy’s dad’s girlfriend.

He never mentioned her.

He turned to face Rich. “How did you--”

“Who else do you share an apartment with?” Rich shrugged, eyes still fixated on the screen of his phone. But his tone was tight and his shoulders were stiff, his jaw clenched. “Lock the door on your way out.” He said again.

Michael just stared at him. He knew words will never be enough to explain any of the shit he had gotten the two of them in.

But then again, these types of relationship were fated to reach its end.

And it looked like this moment was theirs.

Michael swallowed. “See you around.”

“Sure.”

**Author's Note:**

> they're both kinda shitty am i right
> 
> comments are greatly appreciated!


End file.
